Infertility is a tough battle no matter where you’re at in your journey. Whether you’re on day one, or year 10, it’s not an easy journey.
Our entire journey lasted two years, and I can say (to me) that felt like an eternity. As a woman I felt I was created to create a child, and be a mom, but that clearly wasn’t happening for me. I, myself started to question to Danny more often than not, “Am I meant to be a mom?!” The thought of me not being a mom, ever, rocked my world. And when I say rocked my world, it rocked in a way that wasn’t comforting. There weren’t fireworks going off with smiles.
After about a year, I knew I really needed to adjust my way of thinking, because not only do I know stress and worry are a factor in conceiving, I had a ton of people telling me that on the daily. However, I am not here to sit and tell YOU that. That’s a given, and you don’t need to hear it from someone else. I’m here to be honest, and not fancy anything up with ten steps to promising a life of happiness. So, what did I do? Well, one, I prayed, and I prayed a lot. Sometimes I didn’t know what to pray about, or why, but I did anyways. Heck, even now I sometimes don’t know what to pray about, but I pray throughout the day.
I also read a devotional book that Danny got me for Christmas at the end of the first year, so I started fresh the following year. Sarah Young’s, Jesus Calling Morning and Evening Devotional. The readings are short, simple, day and night, with a bible verse or two to read in the evening before you go to bed. There were countless times I would read a morning, or night, and post a photo to Instagram and Facebook because they hit home that hard.
I’m all about relating to others that I feel are in my same position, and at one point I stumbled upon Ellie and Jared’s YouTube Channel. Ellie is a lot like me. Smaller, PCOS, infertility struggles, one year younger… It was an odd match that I just felt I related to her a lot. It took her and her husband Jared numerous fertility treatments, tears, and much prayer to get to where they are today with two precious boys. I would go back to one of their first videos of telling their story more often than not because it gave me hope. When you’re in a struggle, that’s truly all you look for is hope.
I can’t say I’m a doctor, or some Mrs. Fix It to help you get through your own struggle, but having hope is the best you can do. I know there will be days that you just want to cry, and girlfriend, OR guyfriend, cry it out. Crying is healthy, but don’t stay there. Cry, move on, and know tomorrow is a new day. As humans we are put through struggles that we may never know why, and honestly, if you ask me. Sometimes it’s best to not know why. Your struggle won’t last forever. You may say, “Well, for you it didn’t. It took you ONLY two years. I’m on year 10!”
You’re right, but that’s not forever. This life is not forever. Our life on this earth is not our forever. If God didn’t plan for you to birth a child, maybe adoption is where your heart is, or fostering children. Just because the child may not be your blood, doesn’t make them any less of a human needing your divine love! Take what is a negative in your life, and turn it to a positive. I can promise you, I had my ups and my downs. There were times it got really nasty, raw, and emotional. My anxiety would be through the roof, and I swore this life sucked. Then, one day, it dawned on me. Maybe. JUST maybe I am not meant to birth a child, but I live in a community where my husband is a teacher to many lower income boys and girls. Maybe I am meant to foster some of these kids that don’t have the fortunate life that I have. AND let me tell you, we don’t live a rich in money life, but we live a life rich in love. Dig deeper than just the fact of creating a child in your womb. How did I get there? I prayed. Prayed, and prayed… AND prayed. I wasn’t given the answer overnight, and I’m glad I wasn’t. I needed to hit that rock bottom spot in order for me to understand all of this.
So, during the Holidays when you’re seeing the lady at the supermarket with her beautiful children, or the hundreds of pictures on Facebook with your friends celebrating the Holidays with their little ones, just pray. I won’t tell you how you should feel. “Be happy!” Well, obviously that’s a little difficult right now, but you can pray. You can channel your thoughts to a place that would help you heal in the end. I saw a therapist for a while, and I still do with checkups, I’m not ashamed. Between prayer, and that during my rough patches, I got through my struggle, and YOU CAN TOO! Never think for a second that this is what life will be for you. A miserable, negative, non-child life. That’s a negative way of thinking, and I know you know it, and you have to understand and know, that will not get you anywhere.
My wish, my prayer, and my hope for you during this Holiday Season is that you have hope. Hope that (yes) maybe one day you will conceive, or adopt. Whatever the plan it would be for you to be a mother to a child. Do you know what hope tells us from the Miriam-Webster Dictionary? It tells us that hope is a verb, and that we are to cherish a desire with anticipation. Make this desire to be a mother (or father) a positive journey. Cherish it. I challenge you to picture that desire to be your child. You wouldn’t let anyone, not a soul hurt your child. So, take that desire and guard it with all your strength. If that means locking it in an imaginary glass jar, do just that!
One of my favorite Bible verses that I still go back to when I am down is Psalm 71:14, “But as for me, I will always have hope.” With this verse, I love listening to the song, Just Say Jesus by 7eventh Time Down. AMAZING song!
Reach out to me, anytime if you want to chat. Like I said, I am not expert, but surrounding yourself with individuals who have gone through, and going through the same struggles you are makes it easier to listen and talk to each other. One area you’re weak in, he or she may be stronger. Hiding or running from your struggle will never make it go away. You have to face it, eventually accept it, and continue on with life.