For those who have dealt with infertility, for longer periods than myself and Danny have been on, may question, “Am I meant to mother a child?“
At least that’s the thought that crossed my mind earlier today.
This journey is not always peaches and cream, in fact, it can involve blood, sweat and tears… No pun intended. I woke up this morning, did my yoga, had a nice breakfast, made my coffee… The usual.
I came to work and knew I needed to phone the doctor’s office to let them know Danny and I would like to speak with our doctor again, and get a second opinion before moving forward with surgery. Primarily due to the fact that we don’t have the money to dish out to pay for surgery upfront. The scheduler I spoke to reminded me she tried calling me twice this past Friday, and had a slight unpleasant tone in her voice which threw me off a bit, but I let that go. It’s Monday right?
I proceeded to tell her that Danny and want to hold off on surgery and have a conversation with our doctor before we take any further steps. She still recommended I go to my pre-op the next day, but I explained to her that we would just rather speak to our doctor first. She wanted to schedule us for a consultation in TWO WEEKS, but I certainly was not having that. I called to speak to the surgery coordinator whom has been very helpful, and she was able to get me in touch with our doctor. Once we talk things over, and make a decision, we’ll update you all.
There are days that we may make this process look so easy, but in reality, it’s not. However, that’s the twist we have chosen to take. Yes, we know days are going to be ugly, and the tears will be there, but that still does not mean we can’t stay positive instead of sulking. I always like to remind myself in times of hardship, stress, anxiety; you name it. “What good does this do to me? Worrying won’t get me any further than the step I can take right now.” I had it this morning after talking to the scheduler, who was very polite in the end, but her tone upset me at first, the fact I was feeling a bit forced altogether was causing me to put up a wall of defense. I immediately resorted to anger, frustration, and tears. I blew Danny’s phone up for who knows how long because he is my rock. My soulmate. The one who can pull me out of those holes when I question, “Am I, of all people, meant to be a mom? I can’t even seem to conceive, let alone be conscious of my husband’s feelings… Yet everyone tells me, “Nikki, you’ll make a wonderful mom!” That is one of the very reasons God placed Danny in my life, because He knew darn-well that Danny could turn this all into a positive before I keep letting myself dig a deeper hole of misery. I prayed and asked for quick guidance, for strength, and to simply ‘practice what I preach’, LIVE POSITIVE. I wouldn’t say I immediately started feeling better, and I still don’t feel completely happy about it all, but I can say, “I WILL be a mommy. I WILL get through this, with the amazing support of my husband, and I WILL continue following His will that He has set forth for Danny and I.”
Danny reminds me, day in and day out that he loves me, he is there for me, and I need to stop saying sorry for my emotions. I often feel like I don’t take his into account because I know he desires to be a daddy. I know he desires so much out of being a father, that I often feel like I make this all about me, me, me. Danny continues to reassure me I am doing absolutely nothing wrong, and that is what he is here for. He understands completely there are going to be days that I just have to break and let those emotions out.
He is there for me to lean on in the good times and bad, and in his words from this morning’s text:
Yes, ladies, I did cry when I saw this. I told Danny, not all women are blessed to have a spouse like him. I’ve connected with women who are in the same boat and tell me their husbands are leaving, have left, think less of them, and the list goes on. I, on the other-hand have the complete opposite of a man.
Not only do I have an amazing husband who pushes me to ‘fight the fight’, but our closest family & friends are right along side us, like our own little faith army praying, and sticking right along side us.
If you’re right there with us, in the same boat, or struggling with someone totally different than infertility, know this: Know that everything will be OK. Focus on the positives you have going on. And before you do, don’t say, “I have nothing to be positive about. This bill isn’t paid, my job sucks, blah, blah.” Guess what? Are you breathing and reading this? Do you have a job, that you may not like, but you’re still fortunate to have one? Do you have a roof over your head, a smart phone to read this, or a laptop to communicate through? Then let those be your positives. Do you have a God that sacrificed his life for us? Absolutely. There is SO many things you can dust off that are positives.
Without Danny’s push on me today and “shoulder” to cry on over text, I certainly don’t know if I would be able to be preaching this to you. I may even be right beside you crying, and sulking in all the negatives in life, but I am choosing not to do that.
WE, Danny and Nikki, are choosing to fight the fight, and fight like hell! There is no stopping us. No matter how tough things may get, we are not giving up, and you shouldn’t either!
Press on. If you fall like I did today, get up and dust the dirt off. No one said life would be easy, but there is one thing we can control, and that is our attitude.